The Very Secret Diaries
by Belladonna Dwale
Summary: Just for The Fellowship of the Ring. I have just started writing this. Am hoping to write more eventually. Flames will be enjoyed and used for roasting s'mores. 3/? *UPDATED 4-10*
1. Saruman of Many Colours

THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF SARUMAN THE WISE

BY Belladonna Dwale

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Lord of the Rings or anything relating to Middle Earth, nor do I claim to. That honour belongs to JRR Tolkien (who I think was a bit nuts, but oh well). I love the movies and am reading the books now. I was inspired by Cassandra Claire's VERY SECRET DIARIES series and wrote this one. Also, my friends say I'm good at writing this kind of stuff... I have a weird sense of humour or something go figure.

DAY ONE: 

sent Radagast the Brown off after Gandalf. Made up stuff about 9 black riders. R. has a kink for guys in black. I think, after he tells G. he'll probably ride off like bat from Hell to find riders. Sent off R. cuz he's been hanging around Lost Seeing Stone when I'm in shower. suspect he's been spying on me. The perv. Also think I have been missing Gandalf. He's been gone too long. am in desperate need of some good sex and Balrog tells me that G. was a great lay, until he had nerve to ask B. to have threesome with hobbit. rather dodgy if you ask me.

**DAY TWO:**

Therapist suggested I go out as am becoming v. pale and my long hair and nails are kinda frightening. Have met up with giant eyeball. Suggested we go to Red Onion Café sometime but eyeball v. against it. Claims to be Sauron, an evil overlord that lost his body. Almost laughed but developed a coughing fit instead.

**DAY FOUR:**

Eyeball was right, is Sauron. v. disturbing seeing an eyeball in naughty underthings. Especially ones that are red with white fluff on edges like Santa suit. How can Eyeball wear naughty underthings? Don't know.

**DAY TWELVE:**

Have been having fun with Eyeball/Sauron. Likes my nails, v. good for kinky things... In other news G. came. Told him at point blank I was sick of hiding feelings in closet and decided to introduce new clothes and call self Sarumon of Many Colours. Said he preferred white best and thinks it's kinky of gay men to hide in closets about that. Had to bitch-slap him. Have chained him to wall and visit him dressed in black leather and bearing a magic whip instead of usual magic staff.

**DAY THIRTEEN:**

Have been asked by Sauron the Eyeball to make huge evil army. Will be v. busy for a while.

**DAY TWENTY-TWO:**

Gandalf's escaped and ran off when had back turned. Relied on huge ugly bird. So eighty years ago. Did same kind of thing in the Hobbit. Oh well, still have big eyeball and now kinky army that appreciates bondage. Bad side: they eat mortals and now fear for life and sleep with knife under pillow.

**DAY TWENTY-FIVE:**

Balrog came for tea. Talked about Gandalf the Smelly. We both agree G. hasn't bathed since the little whiney brat-elf, Legolas, was born, probably been even longer. Have purchased some Calvin Klein cologne and some soap for him and sent it to him anonymously.

**DAY TWENTY-SEVEN:**

Received soap and cologne back with postcard of Gandalf flicking off camera.

Back said:

"Ha, ha. Thanks for subtle hint but you need it more.

- Gandalf"

That's it; he's so out of the Salad Lovers Society.

**DAY THIRTY:**

Have been v. bored lately and watching Lost Seeing Stone. Four little hobbits left home on mission. v. cute really. Think will try to capture some later for unspeakable acts. Hobbits just right height.

**DAY THIRTY-FIVE:**

Eyeball's Riders stabbed cute hobbit. ï NOOOOOO! He's too cute to die. talked to Eyeball about it. claimed that hobbit has his ring. asked Magic 8 Ball about it and was confirmed. Other news, stupid fat hobbit keeps hovering around cute Ringbearer. ï

**DAY THIRTY-SEVEN:**

spent whole day sulking. stupid eyeball.

**DAY FORTY:**

Yay! Ringbearer survived! has agreed to go on mission with hobbits, little whiney brat-elf Legolas, two humans and oversized badger. am interested that brat elf is going along. hope to see him as have fallen out of touch with him after incident in second age. Gandalf also going on mission, as usual. has pervy interest in Ringbearer. stupid fat hobbit still clinging on to Ringbearer like a v. small tangerine Speedo.

**DAY FORTY-FIVE:**

Fellowship reached mountains. resisted urge to sing the Sound of Music songs about the billy goats since Gandalf looks like one. Began pelting G. with some magical snowballs.

**DAY FORTY-NINE:**

Gandalf and Ringbearer, worrying for G's safety, made everyone use mines of Moria. No fun. First G. refuses to go through Gap of Rohan cuz will cause fellowship to stop for a shopping spree and it is v. close to Isengard. Have warned Balrog about Fellowship and sent army of evil bondage Uruk-hais to get hobbits. ALL FOR ME! Mwahahahahaha!

**DAY FIFTY-SEVEN:**

Gandalf died today. Ha, ha. deserved it, the bastard.

**DAY SIXTY-NINE:**

Army captured two hobbits! Yay! Ringbearer got away. ï but at least have two cute hobbits to play with for now. have promised Sauron to walk and feed them. am v. excited about new pets – er – friends. will have big tea party when they arrive. YAY!


	2. Frodo Baggins

THE SECRET DIARY OF FRODO BAGGINS

BY Belladonna Dwale

Dedicated to Ju-Ju because of her support and because she walks with me to get snacks before The Anime Club.

Also, I got some of the ideas from the time my friends and I were at a party and we muted volume on the movie and put in our own words... v. entertaining. didn't get v. far though... ï All I can say now is... POOR FRODO!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**DAY ONE: **Went with Sam out to lunch. v. weird. He insisted we talk about relationships... kept holding and rubbing my hand. had funny look on his face and kept blushing.

**DAY THREE: **Uncle Bilbo acting v. weird. keeps locking himself in bathroom looking at old, dirty pictures of Becky. not smoking nearly enough pot and has loss of usually large hobbit appetite. at dinner B. stopped eating after 3rd helping instead of usual 8th. keeps looking in pockets a lot. v. dodgy if you ask me.

**DAY SIX: **Gandalf finally came for the party Uncle B. plans on having for our birthdays. obviously will focus exclusively on his. fascist attention hogging bastard. was wrestling in field with Sam when G. came. probably if a movie is made will be shown sitting alone as wrestling with close male friend in field implies – things.

**DAY SEVEN: **At party Uncle B. disappeared. left me with v. ugly, gold ring and all his other possessions. am v. jealous that Lobelia got silver spoons. wanted to sell ring at pawn shop but G. wouldn't let me. made me promise to hide it. seems to think ring is v. evil. am certain G.'s been doing drugs aside from pot... maybe ergot (or Claviceps purpurea) in the bread.

**DAY NINE TO EIGHTEEN: **went to bar – got drunk and high.

**DAY NINETEEN:** G. returned. told me ugly ring is in fact v. evil. not surprising because is so v. ugly. belongs to big ugly eyeball. says I must leave and take ring to Rivendell where elves will do something to it. got bored and stopped paying attention. G. found Sam under table where he'd been "hiding" and made him go or would turn him into incurable horny toad. Sam – unsure of connotation of phrase – agreed to go. Good to have loyal friends. G. went off was in big hurry promised to meet in Bree's prancing pony. S. and I went off too. are using dow rods as walking sticks as we are foolish hobbits who don't know ways of world.

**DAY TWENTY-ONE:** stalked wood elves with Sam until they told us to take off. am v. upset because elves v. hot. Sam said relationship would be impossible as elves are too tall and to stick with hobbits. v. sad that elves are going. Bye bye elves. :'(

**DAY TWENTY-THREE:** Merry and Pippin tagging along. Ran into us in Farmer Maggot's fields. Who would buy or filch (like M. & P.) from a Farmer named Maggot? Don't know. used to filch mushrooms from him when little. v. nasty... filled with maggots. was v. stupid as kid. am still not brightest crayon in box come to think of it - a few tacos short of fiesta platter. Oh, creepy guy in black on black horse almost caught us. have decided to go through creepy forest and barrow downs or whatever they're called. am too distracted by M.'s antics to remember. Or is it Pippin?

**DAY THIRTY:** Sorry I haven't written. Got lost in barrow downs and had to be saved by creepy hobbit-like creature called Tom Bombadil. v. disturbing. Lives with pretty elf wench. Had weird dream about Gandalf and Jell-O mix. Finally have arrived in Bree. Prancing Pony is actually strip joint in which patrons get on tables and do lap dances for each other because owner – Butterbur – too cheep to get professionals. Was forced to get on table and do song and dance number. Slipped and ugly "evil" ring fell on finger. Disapeared, maybe Gandalf right about Ring being powerful... Strider – dirty human - took me and friends to back room and made us share bed with him. Could have sworn someone kept rubbing my arse all night long. Have been told by Merry (or Pippin?) it was just my imagination.

**DAY FORTY: **Sorry haven't written in so long. Was v. wet and then hurt. Strider took us out of Bree, gave us better walking sticks – pink ones with purple feathers and ribbons on ends. Think it is v. odd but agreed to use anyway as we are foolish hobbits who don't know ways of world. lead us around swamp. I got stabbed in shoulder by one of the creepy guys in black. Strider killed them. went marching around woods, meadows, and mountains until v. hot elf came. put me on his horsey and horsey rode off... passed out and woke up in Rivendall later (in house of Elrond – big bitchy elf). Had huge headache, hangover, and a tattoo on my... erm... and Gandalf sleeping next to me. talk about coyote ugly. In meantime, have agreed to go on another quest thing to destroy ugly ring. Why couldn't Uncle B. have done it in first place? Don't know. Am going with Sam, Merry and Pippin (one of the two doesn't know where the fudge we're going), G., Strider (who keeps asking me to say his real name – Aragorn – v. weird), whiney elf-brat Legolas, oversized badger- I mean dwarf – and creepier human – Boromir (who's a total BORE). Elrond called us "the Fellowship." Stupid name if you ask me. Why not "Frodo's Fan-club?"

**DAY FORTY-FIVE: **went up mountains. v. cold. Galdalf was being attacked by v. evil wizard, Saruman. Also, other hobbits and I were turning blue and almost passed out. Creepy human in group – Boromir – got enough sense for once and said we better go through Moria. G. v. nervous. Dwarf is promising loads of food.

**DAY FORTY-SEVEN: **in moria. have found badger's/dwarf's relation there is dead. and has been dead for quite long – only bones left. would imagine that badger/dwarf would have noticed by then. badger must not as smart as hobbits. Merry (or Pippin?) dropped big ugly skull in well. learned new word from Legolas though... "shambles: n. place of mass destruction, bloodshed, or chaos" L. called Moria that and didn't know it am a foolish hobbit who doesn't know ways of world.

**DAY FORTY-NINE: **finally out of Moria. Gandalf dead. all v. sad. Especially Aragorn, though A. tried not to show it. didn't know A. and G. were so close. Although in Council of Elrond G. said something about "opening his heart to A., son of Arathorn." Oo am unsure of connotation. hope it is good. A. made us leave v. quickly. Other hobbits upset about not being able to do some unknown traditional hobbit morning for death involving Jell-O mix (among other things) and wrestling in it. have promised them to morn later – in Shire. Off to Lothlorien to see elves. why go to see them when we have a good one here? don't know. oh well, am a foolish hobbit who doesn't know ways of world.

**DAY FIFTY-THREE: **ran into some bitchy, weird elf guy on way to Lothlorien. Think Gimli – Dwarf - said bad stuff in elvish. Think elf said something like "Yeah, that's not what your mom said to me last night." Not sure, Uncle B. taught me some elvish, but maybe am not remembering quite right. Bitchy, weird elf guy agreed to take Fellowship to Galadriel.

**DAY FIFTY-FIVE:** woah, Galadriel, elf queen or something, uber hot. Dear Samwise reminded me hot elves definitely out of league and stick with slightly younger hobbits (although why he muttered "lads" under breath, I don't get). Galadriel showed me magical reflecting basin and pitchier. Galadriel almost gave me bath, but then got all freaky on me. mental note: avoid eating lembas too close to bedtime.

**DAY FIFTY-SIX: **have left Lothlorien with others. been given canoes and told to paddle. Merry or Pippin have been bothersome lately and have been trying not to hit him. Acting rather daft. The two keep eating lots of lembas. Am trying to avoid them at bedtime cuz of what happened in Lothlorien. Aragorn and Boromir acting funny. Whiney elf too, keeps trying to do my nails and braid hair. Gimli is trying to get me to play with ax. Wish G. and staff were here; he'd know what to do.

**DAY SIXTY: **Boromir died – killed by orcs. Hated him anyways. Stupid shield. Tried to get Ring from me. Sam thinks maybe more than that. Oo am glad that I have left now. have decided to go off on own. Alone. with Sam. Need dear, sweet Samwise near as am a co-dependent, independent hobbit. Made no sense. Also, need someone to cook and clean up after me and make sure I don't accidentally leave behind Old Tobe tin or pipe.


	3. Legolas Greenleaf

**Secret Diary of Legolas Greenleaf**

**By Evil Belladonna Dwale**

**Dedicated to Etcetera and Star Burst, my dear "sisters".**

**-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

**DAY ONE:** went to Rivendell. Saw Aragorn. So not fair. Aragorn didn't pay attention to me! and after that great night we spent together in Far Downs picking flowers and playing house! Aragorn spent all time with Arwen the Wench – er... Aragorn also was with v. cute, sick, pouty hobbit with the v. ugly Ring of Power. have become jealous considered castration (for Aragorn) but then I would be v. bored. He'll come around eventually. If not will tell my Daddy. ï

**DAY FOUR: **have agreed to go on v. stupid quest with 3 Aragorn 3, ugly human Boromir, 4 hobbits (1 is v. cute, pouty Ringbearer who is well ï), and ugly oversized badger – er – who's father my Daddy locked up, and v. ugly, dirty wizard – Gandalf. Elrond named us the Fellowship. V. obvious that Ringbearer upset by name. Probably wants to rename it "Frodo's Fanclub" or likes. Would (for most part) be true as everyone (except me and badger) are way into little Ringbearer... too much for his own good. A shadow and a threat is growing in mind telling me that Ring Bearer will be all shagged out after trip. cough, cough. On trip am certain to face doom and possible death. don't want to die, am far too young (about 2,000 well almost 3,000 years old), too cute and still virgin (which Glorfindel had to cruelly bring up before I left). ï

**DAY SEVEN:** got through mountains. Aragorn pulled Sam (stupid, fat hobbit) into bush for a nice shag. A. thought I was sleeping. Couldn't tell I was awake because have learned nifty trick of sleeping with eyes opened. think it scares hobbits a little, definitely scares badger/dwarf. Am having a v. good time despite dirt under nails and in hair and in shirt and... well, everywhere. BUT dirt doesn't stick to elf skin like it does to mortals. ï HUBBA! HUBBA! WHOOT! WHOOT!

**DAY TEN: **v. dark in Moria. horse that was with us was sent back. Stupid, fat hobbit (SFH) kept crying for horse and I am considering "accidentally" shooting him with an arrow. almost worked up sweat killing off creepy octopus/squid thing in water. Now is v. hard to see. Cute little hobbit almost fell into bottomless pit. Then threw down a rock which made loud sound. Gandalf got v. angry and yelled at hobbit. Not sure if it was Merry or Pippin... don't think anyone can tell two apart, wouldn't be surprised if 2 got confused at times of own identities. SFH – Ringbearer's servant/slave thingy – is v. clingy. Aragorn way into hobbit, same with Boromir.

**DAY TWENTY:** finally out of Moria. SFH kept crying for horse whole time in the mines. Hobbits had big cuddle fest on rocks. was watching them (and smiling) until Aragorn insisted we go. suspect he was enjoying the cuddle fest as well. Aragorn way into little Ringbearer. Too much for his own good. Ring bearer obviously not into Aragorn. Ary should give up on R.B. and look for sweet sweet lovin' else where (i.e. me). That's all for today. Oh, yeah, Gandalf died.

**DAY TWENTY-FIVE: **Fellowship met bitchy elf dude on way and ended up in Lothlorien. After first night ran off and tried on all of Galadriel's dresses. found many wet socks (hobbit, elf, human, dwarf – even smelly orc ones – also some were mine) in back of Galadrial's closet. Now know where socks go when they disappear in laundry. have been running amuck with Galardrians and Gimli. have become rather fond of dwarf, who is v. skilled and talented. ;)

**DAY TWENTY-SEVEN:** finally leaving Lothlorien. ï good bye sane elves. don't know where Fellowship is going but it involves boats and water. Sun keeps reflecting off water and giving me slight sunburn on cheeks. ï am too young to get skin cancer and die! Although, for moment sunburn gives a flushed look and is v. sexy. ï

**DAY THIRTY-ONE:** Aw, Ringbearer and SFH left. was sad to see Ringbearer go. although, is good since was beginning to get slight crush on him. shudders good to see him go before I turn out like Boromir – dead (killed by orcs for his pervy obsession). Orcs stole two little hobbits – Merry and Pippen. Ary, Gimli and I are off to save hobbits. a v. daring and dangerous mission! WHEEEEEEEE!


End file.
